I cannot find my penis.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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