The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You smell like stripper and shame
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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