If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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