i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
