My Higher Power is John Stamos
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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