there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
