Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
