Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
