Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
