I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
