I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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