so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
