I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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