Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
