the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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