I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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