All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
