Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
