Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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