margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
