Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
