I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
