I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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