I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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