I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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