Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
