I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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