Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
