When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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