Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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