Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
