i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
