my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
