Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
