just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
