its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
