so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
