I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
