I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
