Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
