saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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