I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just found puke in my bra..
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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