need another drink. this is the easiest way
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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