my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
