She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
