nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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