who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
