my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
