I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
