when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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