last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
