I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
